If you'd ask me, I'd tell you that the last 7-8 weeks have undoubtedly been the hardest days/weeks of my life. While I don't wish to bog down the family blog with posts of sadness of our baby girl's loss, I also firmly believe that this is a piece of our family's puzzle. Part of our story. This is real. Raw. And believe is something that will shape our family regardless of the hardship(s) we face.
The end of February is what we believed to have been "a new beginning" for our family as we began to hurdle and work through the loss of our daughter. What I thought were weeks of rebuilding my strength and mental status was really taking us down yet another path of grief.
Post procedure in the ED and in the doctor's office, I had been told that I had everything from our pregnancy removed. That there was now a clean slate to move ahead. I thought I was getting stronger and able to look ahead when the inconsistent bleeding had me suspicious. After a few weeks of irregular bleeding I finally decided to call my doctor for a plan. Her recommendation given my current symptoms was to do another ultrasound to check for any abnormalities. Another ultrasound and another reminder that I wasn't pregnant- but okay, I obliged. I was off for a few days for Easter to visit family and was able to be squeezed in (pays to be friends with the OB manager at work!!). While I went in anticipating a normal ultrasound I left with the opposite. The physician came in the room to read my ultrasound live, only to inform me that I likely still had retained products of conception. I left feeling so confused. So frustrated, yet still trying to go about my day/weekend with family.
Fast forward to the next day, I decided to call my doctor's nurse to see what the plan was. My doctor, who happened to be on vacation, called me herself. The recommendation was to this time have another procedure- a full D&C so that she could clean everything out. Insert whirlwind of emotions here!!! How? How could we possibly be back to square one? We thought we were moving forward, trying to grow our family again and now this? I kept asking, why God, why!?
Pre-op called me on Monday to talk about the D&C that would take place on Tuesday. I was coming down from a cold and they were telling me not to be surprised if anesthesia would cancel it until I was better. I had so much anger built up inside. "Why did I have to be sick? Why didn't they get everything the first time? WHY!??!" Also, the thought of being put under as a mom is completely unnerving. I think that had me torn up more than anything- leaving James that morning and just praying to God that the medical staff would keep me safe and allow me to wake up and go home to my baby boy who so desperately still needs me.
We got to pre-op on Tuesday morning (thank goodness John could be there as he was supposed to be in Kentucky for work). My heart cringed every time someone asked me what procedure I was having. It was almost always followed with, "Do you have other children? How far along were you?". So hard. The pre-op staff were great and I'd have to say that undoubtedly, God knew I needed him that day. While emotionally waiting in pre-op, for anesthesia to assess me, my pre-op nurse popped her head in my room and handed me a piece of paper which stated this in the picture below.
She definitely didn't have to write that, but she did. Whether she truly knows or not what it's like to be in my situation, just knowing that she truly cared meant so much to me in that moment.
Here we are about two weeks out from that procedure. I've had a f/u with my doctor and she said all looks good and healthy at this point, which is much improved from before my procedure. Although I am battling some other health concerns physically, I am doing my best to make myself the healthiest and best person, wife, and mama possible.
I hope and pray that we have overcome this obstacle. Has it been difficult? More than I can even describe. Will it change things going forward? I certainly imagine. I started seeing a new therapist a few weeks ago and I absolutely love her. My favorite interaction with her from my session was the fact that she told me she wants to continue seeing me even through another pregnancy. That she can help me conquer this hurdle so that I can hopefully someday enjoy being pregnant again.
To all mama's out there that have lost a baby- I get you. I may not get the stage that you lost your sweet baby at, but I get that you "lost". You lost a piece of your heart that can never be replaced. Sending big hugs and prayers.
Loss is hard, loss is real, but I pray that the storm of our loss will eventually lead us to a bright, sunny day.
